What a father is worth:
The invaluable lessons dads teach us
by Gina Roberts-Grey
 The
role of fathers has drastically changed in the past decades.
The images of fathers returning home from work, patting
their child on the head and sitting with a drink to quietly
read the paper without much family interaction remain
forever encapsulated in the portrayal of many television
dads of prior generations. These characters serve as a
reminder as to the importance of fatherly advice and
participation. Beyond being a financial supporter of the
family, or the principal exterminator of all things creepy,
fathers are vital to a child’s development.
The reality is alarming. According to a study performed
by The Families and Work Institute, children who do not have
close and trusting relationships with their father have a
relationship disadvantage as adults. A child who is not
attached to his father by the age of 5 often has lower self
esteem and self-confidence at age 10. The study showed these
children are less likely to be freely accepted by their peer
group and may have difficulty adjusting to school.
The actions of dads often receive close scrutiny and
widespread criticism. Television shows, radio ads and talk
show hosts are quick to point out the importance of fathers
spending time with their children. "All the criticism and
comments are aimed at encouraging participation without
explaining the significance of a father’s role," explains
Springfield, MO Family Therapist, Dean Mazurski MA, LMFT.
What seems to be lost in the message is the importance of a
father regardless of his marital status or professional
ambitions. Over the past two decades, experts like Mazurski
have realized that while separated, divorced, and dads who
work long hours tend to bear the burden of stereotyping,
every father’s contribution is important in his child’s
life.
Breaking the mold
Fathers are one half of a child’s set of primary role
models and examples. They set guidelines and boundaries. A
father’s level of interaction and demonstration of emotions
can be the basis that determines how a child interacts with
his peers.
Years ago, mothers used to be thought of as the primary
at-home educator, source of nurturing and care-giver.
Today’s fathers are realizing their approach to parenting
needs to be enhanced from their predecessors, yet they still
question how to be a significant part of their child’s life.
It can be difficult for a hard working and driven father
to come home and relate to his toddler daughter’s tea party
or new found love of lavender unicorns. Dad’s working two
jobs in order to save for college aren’t always eager to
spend their only day off playing endless hours of catch with
a son who’s trying to learn how to field grounders.
"Many fathers believe that quality time spent with
children must be deliberate or scheduled," says Mazurski. A
day at the museum or going to the movies after enduring
errands is commonly thought of as spending quality time
together. While it is true that sharing extra buttery
popcorn is a fun activity, alternative and beneficial
fatherly participation can be less structured, more
frequent, and cheaper than going to the movies.
Talk to your kids
It may seem simple or obvious, but ask yourself when was
the last time you had a conversation with your child? Do you
know what his three prized possessions are or who his three
best friends are? What is her favorite color, book or
stuffed animal of the week? What is he afraid of or want to
be when he grows up? Does she know about your grandmother,
great grandfather or heritage?
Personal Life Coach and Communications Expert Debbie
Rymza BA, MBA, of New Brunswick, NJ explains "Regardless of
age or gender, you can have a beneficial conversation with
your child." Toddlers love to talk about their toys or their
imaginary friend. Elementary aged children talk about who
ate a bug on the playground or who is the best dressed girl
in third grade. Older kids love to talk about themselves!
Whatever topic suits the timing, take five to ten minutes to
talk with your child and you’re certain to uncover something
you didn’t know before the conversation.
Be attentive
Have you ever had a conversation with someone whom you
felt wasn’t paying attention? The other party seemed
preoccupied or blindly answered "yes" and "Uh-Huh"
occasionally without absorbing what you said. "You don’t
want your child to feel his thoughts are not valuable to
you. Look at your child when he talks to you," urges Rymza.
Show him he’s important enough to stop what you’re doing and
address him.
You’ll give him much more than respect and your attention
when communicating. He’ll gain self esteem and confidence in
his thoughts. Rymza offers another meaningful reason to give
your child your undivided attention, "He’ll feel less
anxious to communicate with peers as well as in professional
or social setting later in life."
Play with them
"Kids whose fathers play with them in a sensitive,
supportive and challenging ways at age two tend to form
closer, more trusting relationships later in life," shares
Mazurski. Play with your child in a way he can understand.
Stimulate and encourage your toddler by challenging him to
build a fort out of rolls of paper towels.
Steve Scherrer likes to offer his two young sons some
appealing suggestions for play as opposed to criticizing
their methods or over emphasizing his ideas on how to
simulate sound effects. "Since they’re only two and a half
and one, I encourage them to experiment within safe limits
and allow them to choose what color to finger paint with or
what trains to put on the track," offers Scherrer "When
they’re older I also plan on introducing them to my favorite
card games and what game I used to play with my neighborhood
pals."
Read together
Since the benefits of reading are bountiful, why not
multi-task and read him a favorite story? According to
information collected by the National Center for Education
Statistics in 2001, children whose father’s read with them
twice week scored 15% higher on standardized tests and had a
significantly higher high school graduation rate. By reading
with your kids, you’ll spend time together and help build
their reading skills at the same time.
A full-time, single father of two children ages two and
four, John Eck has found that reading with his children is a
great way to stay involved in their development, as well as
for him to unwind after a stressful day. "We take turns
selecting the book to read or deciding whose room we should
read in. The kids love the chance to have some of the
control, and I appreciate the time to help them learn to
read" states Eck. You can also surprise younger children by
reading them your favorite fairy tale or childhood classic.
Mentor them
A father’s age and life experiences give him an advantage
over his children. Share your knowledge, hobbies and worldly
expertise with your child. Whether it’s teaching your son
how to build a pillow fort, or your daughter how to make a
supreme sub sandwich or, there are unlimited options to
spend time and build your bond.
The chance to emulate you and admire your ability to
swiftly cut the lawn or wax the car offers numerous chances
to mentor your children. Whatever the forum, use the time to
set the example you want him to follow. "Being involved is
the main objective" encourages Mazurski "Too many parents
get hung up on planning the perfect outing instead of
spending time with their child in ‘real life’."
Be genuine and open
Talk to your child about how you felt the first time you
walked into a strange classroom or were up to bat in your
first baseball game. Letting him see the human and sensitive
aspects of your personality teaches him you’re more than the
person who works hard to support the family. Showing your
vulnerability shows your child that you’ve faced adversity
and had the confidence to overcome your fears.
Whether you’re a first time father, or seasoned veteran,
the most important part of fatherhood to remember is that
you are an integral part of your child’s life. The
investment you make in your child is one that promises to
yield a multitude of benefits. You’ll both share a lifetime
of fond memories. You’ll also have the pride in knowing your
impact helped shape your child into a loving and
self-confident adult.
For more information, please visit:
Families & Work Institute:
www.familiesandwork.org
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