Staying Connected After Children
by Kristy Brannen
StayingAhh, life before kids. There were special nights out, relaxing weekends, last minute get-aways,
and dinners that lasted more than 10 minutes. Any couple with children knows that life changes
dramatically once babies enter the equation.
Suddenly, you have less and less time for yourself, for friends, and, even for your spouse, but,
if left unattended, this could cause irreparable damage to a couple’s relationship. So how do
busy couples with children overcome all of their commitments and obligations and find a way
to make time for just each other?
Value any time together
For Todd and Danielle Jakopovic the answer is simply making the most out of any time they have together,
even if it involves errands or chores. The couple has four children, Lindsay, 19, Kellen, 11, Delaney,
nine, and Payton, six.
“Having four children has certainly kept us busy, but it also has brought a lot
of happiness and joy to our lives,” Danielle said. “We have much less time to spend
together and have learned to value the time we do get to spend together.
According to Danielle, the addition of each child seemed to force the couple to get
better and more creative at finding ways to spend time together. She said they try to
make the most of everyday activities like grocery shopping or walking the dogs and use
them as a time to talk and be together.
“It is hard to find time on a daily basis,” Danielle said. “We try to have several
times a week that we make time to be together. We try to have lunch together during
the week or spend an hour together before we go to bed each evening to wind down and share our day.”
Once a month the Jakopovics leave their oldest daughter in charge and have a date night.
“It allows us to stay connected,” she said.” We are best friends, and need to have alone
time to continue to grow together.”
In addition to their monthly date night, the couple has a few other rituals.
“We try to go to bed at the same time so we can just talk about the day and what
is ahead the next day,” she said. “We also go to the gym together on Sunday mornings
and then stop to enjoy a cup of coffee together.”
Danielle said the key to carving out time for each other is just to fit it in whenever it works.
“There doesn’t have to be a formal time set aside to be together,” she said. Her advice to
all couples with children is to take advantage of the few minutes here and there and try to
find a babysitter for a monthly evening out.
Make it a point to say I love you
Alice Burns, mother of Rebecca, 17, Rachel, 14, Jonah, 11, Jessica, nine, and Jared, five, said the
most important thing she and her husband, Tim, do to stay connected is to make sure they say
‘I love you’ each day. “Just letting each other know you appreciate everything they do to make
the household run means a lot,” she said.
In order to support the family, Tim works a full time job and a part-time job, which means his
time at home with the family and Alice is very limited. For that reason, Alice said the couple just
tries to make every moment count together. Whether it’s while they are folding laundry, doing dishes,
or running errands, Alice said they try to use those moments to discuss the day’s issues.
Like the Jakopovics, the Burns are committed to going out as a couple once a month. “I think couple
time is vital to a happy marriage,” Alice said. “You need time to regroup and reconnect with each other.
She said the time out allows them to focus on themselves and helps strengthen their relationship.
In addition to their monthly outings, Tim and Alice participate in a program for married couples
offered by their church, Mary Our Queen. Alice said this program provides additional couple time as
well as time to learn from other couples who are struggling with the same issues.
Alice said regardless of how busy a coupe is it’s important to make time to talk through the good
and the bad with your spouse. “Sometimes the frustration of everyday situations can become so
overwhelming,” she said. “It’s nice to take time out with your partner and talk things over.
It can give you a whole new perspective on the situation. “
Seek support from others
Despite the fact that their oldest is now 35, George and Mary Klosterman remember the challenges they
faced of making time for each other while raising their four children, Matthew, 35, Byron, 29, James,
20, and Anna, 16.
The couple now provides married couples, like Alice and Tim Burns, spiritual direction through a
program called Teams of Our Lady at Mary Our Queen. Mary Klosterman said it’s very easy for couple’s
to fall into a variety of traps, from focusing only on the children’s needs and wants to distancing
themselves from the family and focusing solely on work.
According to Mary, the best way to combat these traps is to make time for each other.
“Nothing is more important than couple time,” she said. “Regular scheduled times to spend together
talking about your marriage, your love for and dependence on each other, your future together, and
your finances will help overcome the obstacles.”
In the end, it’s worth it
Danielle believes her family is better off because of her and her husband’s commitment to stay connected.
“Our overall family life is a lot happier and healthier because we are able to spend quality time together,”
Danielle said. “We have really good communication and that creates less conflict.
”Couples need to stay connected,” Mary said. “Investing time and effort in the couple relationship
is good for the couple, the children, the family, the community and society.”
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